Liar liar, pants on fire
Originally published to LinkedIn in October 2023.
If you’ve known me for longer than a year, I will almost certainly have lied to you at some point.
Not in a malicious way, I promise. And if I was lying to your face then you likely saw straight through it!
I’ve spent most of my life wishing I was a better person, a better friend, a better daughter.
I felt there must be something morally wrong with me for being unable to remember important things or forgetting to follow through on what I’ve said I’ll do.
Because of the shame I’ve felt around this, I will likely have lied to you about:
😳 Why I was late
😳 Why I forgot your birthday
😳 Why I forgot something you said to me 15 minutes ago
😳 Why I haven’t done a piece of work
😳 Why I can’t make it to whatever you’ve invited me to (after I’d already accepted the invitation)
I only really started to notice how ingrained this had become within me when I met my (now) husband.
Very early on in our dating I’d flown out to Thailand to join him on his travels. One evening he realised he’d forgotten a good friend’s birthday (it was the previous day) and he felt really bad about it.
My response was to provide him with an excuse he could give to his friend so it didn’t look like he’d forgotten it. That was a totally normal solution to me.
I was taken aback when he responded “Why would I do that? I’ll just tell him I forgot; he’ll understand”.
I immediately felt shame for providing the lie and worried he’d think less of me for it. Luckily he stuck around. But it’s something we’ve bumped up against a few times in the 10 years we’ve been together.
At the weekend we were listening to a podcast about ADHD and suddenly something clicked with me. Lying was my natural defence mechanism for when I felt shame about letting others down.
Everyone around me always seemed to effortlessly do the simple things that I really struggled with, so to cover for my failings I’d make up “acceptable” excuses.
🙄 Sorry I’m late, the traffic was terrible
🙄 Oh, I did send a card, I wonder what’s happened to it
🙄 Oh yes, you did say that, I thought you meant XYZ
🙄 I’m just finishing that project up now (when I hadn’t even started)
🙄 I’m so sorry I can’t make it now, I’m so poorly (when I just can’t face being around people as I don’t have the mental energy to put on my social mask)
Since my ADHD diagnosis I’ve started to understand more about how my brain works (or doesn’t sometimes). I see now that my executive functioning skills have always been a bit behind other people’s.
I’m working on being more honest with people about these things (”sorry I’m late, I was ready early, so thought I’d read a chapter of my book and 50 pages later I realised I should have left 15 minutes ago!”).
So, sorry to those I’ve lied to throughout my life. Please know that it was never out of a lack of respect - I just didn't want you to see me the way I saw myself.
I’m seeing myself differently these days and working towards a point of acceptance. Bear with me, it’s a process, but I know I’ll get there!